The Blonde joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on It.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it

And handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...

New norms in marriage

Nikhil and Mona were newlyweds. Nikhil thought this would be a modern marriage, meaning they would each play equal roles. So, the first morning after their honeymoon, he brought Mona breakfast in bed. However, Mona wasn't at all impressed by his culinary skills. Looking disdainfully at the tray, she snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the following morning, Nikhil brought his new bride a scrambled egg. Unfortunately, Mona wasn't satisfied. "Did you ever stop to think that perhaps I like variety?" she snapped. "I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please her, the next morning, he brought her two eggs….one poached and one scrambled. "Here, my darling, enjoy," he said cheerfully. Mona was infuriated. "You scrambled the wrong egg!" she screamed.

A Dog's tale

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”


The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

chicken got busted

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off.
When the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed,
"Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !".

wedding

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer

A man on a beach

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

Speeding ticket

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Um, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”

Pope caught speeding...

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job!
What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning..

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph..

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘ A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope

Men vs Women

Shall we go for a party?????????

Ppl saying behind ur back

I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.…

-

-

-

-

Nice Ass!!! ;)

The Fishermans secret

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.

Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Driving Arena

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

A real bad PJ

A conductor at an orchestra begins embezzling money from the admission price of the tickets because his orchestra isn't doing well financially. After quite a bit of time, he is caught, he pleads guilty to being a bad conductor, and the judge sentences him to death. When he's in the electric chair, they send 100,000 volts through him, and he just sits there, smiling. The operators ask him why the 100,000 volts isn't killing him, like it does everyone else. He says, "I already told you - I'm a bad conductor."

Teacher/student joke

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam."Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"A smart-arsed guy at the back of the raised his hand and asked,"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years hey had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, Loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she Had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the Therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, Embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week….Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied; “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!

A girl can change a Guy's Goal

snoring

The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Fred, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Fred and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Fred snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, ‘Man, that Fred shakes the roof with his snoring. I couldn’t sleep. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Jim’s turn. Jim was a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Fred into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Fred sat up and watched me all night.”

abortion in ears

Reallyyyyyyyyyyyyy hillarious…. Too good…and just don’t miss a single
sentence…..
This is a short story written by Dr Kishore Shah....he is a
gynaecologist in Pune

and a very gifted writer....enjoy this extremely funny story.

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist. This can lead
to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.

A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a
patient of hers for an abortion.
Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal
of the wax to my wife.
I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she
was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our
hospital,

it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from
her ear,landed up with me.
This is the conversation that I had with the patient.
"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a big
smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble
smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."
"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"
"Not at all."
The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried
removing it at home, but failed.
I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious
complications.
"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."
I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"
She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with
his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."
"Oh my God!" "Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."
My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without
uttering a word.
"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"
I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much.
I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this
happening. Or you could use protection at night."
Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it
happens only at night?"
I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are
in the mood, you should use protection."
She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"
Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of
mood. It just happens."
"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."
"You mean that pin man?"
"Yeah!"
This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides
using pins, he was sending her to such quacks.
The only safety he knew was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed
his advice."
"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait.
However, that also did not work."
This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be
locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one..
"But have you taken your husband's permission?

Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's permission?
Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not
able to meet for the last one year."
It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those'cases.
The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. Ireassured
her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."
"However, I did inform him on phone."
Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know
whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her.
So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."
"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."
"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this
removal, it would have started moving.
Then it would have developed aheartbeat."
The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.
Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the
grotesque details.
I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but
only for a few days."
By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"
"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will
continue only for a week or so."
By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me
wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on the
examination table? Remove your clothes and relax."
his was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just a
blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

KAvi....ki ,,kavita

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, (my love)
tum MA 1st division ho, main hua matric phel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, (union)
tum fauji afsar ki beti, main to kisaan ka beta hoon,
tum rabadi kheer malai ho, main to sattu sapreta hoon,
tum AC ghar mein rahti ho, main ped ke neeche leta hoon,
tum nai maruti lagti ho, main scooter lambreta hoon,
is kadar agar hum chup-chup kar aapas me prem badhayenge,
to ek roz tere daddy Amrish Puri ban jaaenge, (alas he is no more!)
sab haddi pasli tod mujhe bhijwaa denge vo jail priye,

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum arab desh kee ghodi ho, main hoon gadahe ki naal priye,
tum deewali ka bonus ho, main bhookho ki hadtaal priye,(strike)
tum heere jadi tashtari ho, main almunium ka thaal priye,
tum chicken-soop biryani ho, main kankad waali daal priye,
tum hiran-chaokadi bharti ho, main hoon kachue ki chaal priye, (flight of dear)
tum chandan-wan ki lakdi ho, main hoon babool ki chaal priye,
main pake aam sa latka hoon, mat maaro mujhe gulel priye,

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

main shani-dev jaisa kuroop, tum komal kanchan kaya ho, (ugly)
main tan-se man-se Kanshi Ram, tum maha chanchala maya ho, (naughty)
tum nirmal paawan ganga ho, main jalta hua patanga hoon,(pure)
tum raaj ghaat ka shanti march, main hindu-muslim danga hoon,
tum ho poonam ka taajmahal, main kaali gufa ajanta ki,
tum ho vardaan vidhata ka, main galti hoon bhagvanta ki,(wish of god)
tum jet vimaan ki shobha ho, main bus ki thelam-thel priye, (aeroplane)

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum nai videshi mixi ho, main patthar ka silbatta hoon,
tum AK-saintalis jaisi, main to ik desi katta hoon,
tum chatur Rabadi Devi si, main bhola-bhala Lalu hoon,
tum mukt sherni jangal ki, main chidiyaghar ka bhaalu hoon, (free)
tum vyast Sonia Gandhi si, main V.P.Singh sa khali hoon, (busy)
tum hansi Madhuri Dixit ki, main policeman ki gaali hoon,
kal jel agar ho jaaye to dilwa dena tum bail priye,

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

main dhabe ke dhaanche jaisa, tum paanch sitara hotel ho, (structure)
main mahue ka desi tharra, tum red-label ki botal ho,
tum chitra-haar ka madhur geet, main krishi-darshan ki jhaadi hoon, (sweet)
tum vishva-sundari si kamaal, main teliya chaap kabadi hoon,
tum sony ka mobile ho, main telephone waala hoon chonga,
tum machli maansarovar ki, main saagar tat ka hoon ghongha, (shore)
dus manzil se gir jaaooga, mat aage mujhe dhakel priye,

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum satta ki maharani ho, main vipaksha ki lachari hoon, (in power/opposition)
tum ho mamta-Jailalita si, main kwara Atal-Bihari hoon,
tum Tendulkar ka shatak priye, main follow on ki paari hoon, (century)
tum getz, matiz, corolla ho main Leyland ki lorry hoon,
mujhko refree hi rehne do, mat khelo mujhse khel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
main soch raha ki rahe hain kabse, shrota mujhko jhel priye, (listeners)

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye

Derogatory innocence

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,

‘How did I get here?’

Her mother told her, ‘God sent you.’

‘Did God send you, too?’ asked the child

‘Yes, Dear,’ the mother replied.

‘What about Grandma and Grandpa?’ the child persisted.

‘He sent them also,’ the mother said.

‘Did he send their parents, too?’ asked the child.

‘Yes, Dear, He did,’ said the mother patiently.

‘So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this

Family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone’s so damn grouchy around here.’