Sunday, October 11, 2009

snoring

The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Fred, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Fred and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Fred snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, ‘Man, that Fred shakes the roof with his snoring. I couldn’t sleep. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Jim’s turn. Jim was a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Fred into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Fred sat up and watched me all night.”

Monday, July 27, 2009

abortion in ears

Reallyyyyyyyyyyyyy hillarious…. Too good…and just don’t miss a single
sentence…..
This is a short story written by Dr Kishore Shah....he is a
gynaecologist in Pune

and a very gifted writer....enjoy this extremely funny story.

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist. This can lead
to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.

A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a
patient of hers for an abortion.
Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal
of the wax to my wife.
I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she
was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our
hospital,

it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from
her ear,landed up with me.
This is the conversation that I had with the patient.
"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a big
smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble
smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."
"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"
"Not at all."
The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried
removing it at home, but failed.
I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious
complications.
"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."
I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"
She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with
his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."
"Oh my God!" "Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."
My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without
uttering a word.
"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"
I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much.
I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this
happening. Or you could use protection at night."
Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it
happens only at night?"
I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are
in the mood, you should use protection."
She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"
Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of
mood. It just happens."
"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."
"You mean that pin man?"
"Yeah!"
This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides
using pins, he was sending her to such quacks.
The only safety he knew was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed
his advice."
"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait.
However, that also did not work."
This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be
locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one..
"But have you taken your husband's permission?

Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's permission?
Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not
able to meet for the last one year."
It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those'cases.
The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. Ireassured
her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."
"However, I did inform him on phone."
Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know
whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her.
So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."
"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."
"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this
removal, it would have started moving.
Then it would have developed aheartbeat."
The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.
Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the
grotesque details.
I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but
only for a few days."
By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"
"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will
continue only for a week or so."
By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me
wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on the
examination table? Remove your clothes and relax."
his was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just a
blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

Friday, June 26, 2009

KAvi....ki ,,kavita

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, (my love)
tum MA 1st division ho, main hua matric phel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, (union)
tum fauji afsar ki beti, main to kisaan ka beta hoon,
tum rabadi kheer malai ho, main to sattu sapreta hoon,
tum AC ghar mein rahti ho, main ped ke neeche leta hoon,
tum nai maruti lagti ho, main scooter lambreta hoon,
is kadar agar hum chup-chup kar aapas me prem badhayenge,
to ek roz tere daddy Amrish Puri ban jaaenge, (alas he is no more!)
sab haddi pasli tod mujhe bhijwaa denge vo jail priye,

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,


tum arab desh kee ghodi ho, main hoon gadahe ki naal priye,
tum deewali ka bonus ho, main bhookho ki hadtaal priye,(strike)
tum heere jadi tashtari ho, main almunium ka thaal priye,
tum chicken-soop biryani ho, main kankad waali daal priye,
tum hiran-chaokadi bharti ho, main hoon kachue ki chaal priye, (flight of dear)
tum chandan-wan ki lakdi ho, main hoon babool ki chaal priye,
main pake aam sa latka hoon, mat maaro mujhe gulel priye,

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

main shani-dev jaisa kuroop, tum komal kanchan kaya ho, (ugly)
main tan-se man-se Kanshi Ram, tum maha chanchala maya ho, (naughty)
tum nirmal paawan ganga ho, main jalta hua patanga hoon,(pure)
tum raaj ghaat ka shanti march, main hindu-muslim danga hoon,
tum ho poonam ka taajmahal, main kaali gufa ajanta ki,
tum ho vardaan vidhata ka, main galti hoon bhagvanta ki,(wish of god)
tum jet vimaan ki shobha ho, main bus ki thelam-thel priye, (aeroplane)

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum nai videshi mixi ho, main patthar ka silbatta hoon,
tum AK-saintalis jaisi, main to ik desi katta hoon,
tum chatur Rabadi Devi si, main bhola-bhala Lalu hoon,
tum mukt sherni jangal ki, main chidiyaghar ka bhaalu hoon, (free)
tum vyast Sonia Gandhi si, main V.P.Singh sa khali hoon, (busy)
tum hansi Madhuri Dixit ki, main policeman ki gaali hoon,
kal jel agar ho jaaye to dilwa dena tum bail priye,

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

main dhabe ke dhaanche jaisa, tum paanch sitara hotel ho, (structure)
main mahue ka desi tharra, tum red-label ki botal ho,
tum chitra-haar ka madhur geet, main krishi-darshan ki jhaadi hoon, (sweet)
tum vishva-sundari si kamaal, main teliya chaap kabadi hoon,
tum sony ka mobile ho, main telephone waala hoon chonga,
tum machli maansarovar ki, main saagar tat ka hoon ghongha, (shore)
dus manzil se gir jaaooga, mat aage mujhe dhakel priye,

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum satta ki maharani ho, main vipaksha ki lachari hoon, (in power/opposition)
tum ho mamta-Jailalita si, main kwara Atal-Bihari hoon,
tum Tendulkar ka shatak priye, main follow on ki paari hoon, (century)
tum getz, matiz, corolla ho main Leyland ki lorry hoon,
mujhko refree hi rehne do, mat khelo mujhse khel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
main soch raha ki rahe hain kabse, shrota mujhko jhel priye, (listeners)

mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye

Derogatory innocence

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,

‘How did I get here?’

Her mother told her, ‘God sent you.’

‘Did God send you, too?’ asked the child

‘Yes, Dear,’ the mother replied.

‘What about Grandma and Grandpa?’ the child persisted.

‘He sent them also,’ the mother said.

‘Did he send their parents, too?’ asked the child.

‘Yes, Dear, He did,’ said the mother patiently.

‘So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this

Family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone’s so damn grouchy around here.’

Friday, May 29, 2009

Quotes by me for me

  • i wish to ride on chana Tree and fall to Coconut PEd to check if 'g' is still intact
  • What an over it was. Cows might come home before this one finishes



PS :Will keep updating this post, already lost lot of them.......

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

bhais chaalisa

महामूर्ख दरबार में, लगा अनोखा केस
फसा हुआ है मामला, अक्ल बङी या भैंस
अक्ल बङी या भैंस, दलीलें बहुत सी आयीं
महामूर्ख दरबार की अब,देखो सुनवाई
मंगल भवन अमंगल हारी- भैंस सदा ही अकल पे भारी
भैंस मेरी जब चर आये चारा- पाँच सेर हम दूध निकारा
कोई अकल ना यह कर पावे- चारा खा कर दूध बनावे
अक्ल घास जब चरने जाये- हार जाय नर अति दुख पाये
भैंस का चारा लालू खायो- निज घरवारि सी.एम. बनवायो
तुमहू भैंस का चारा खाओ- बीवी को सी.एम. बनवाओ
मोटी अकल मन्दमति होई- मोटी भैंस दूध अति होई
अकल इश्क़ कर कर के रोये- भैंस का कोई बाँयफ्रेन्ड ना होये
अकल तो ले मोबाइल घूमे- एस.एम.एस. पा पा के झूमे
भैंस मेरी डायरेक्ट पुकारे- कबहूँ मिस्ड काल ना मारे
भैंस कभी सिगरेट ना पीती- भैंस बिना दारू के जीती
भैंस कभी ना पान चबाये - ना ही इसको ड्रग्स सुहाये
शक्तिशालिनी शाकाहारी- भैंस हमारी कितनी प्यारी
अकलमन्द को कोई ना जाने- भैंस को सारा जग पहचाने
जाकी अकल मे गोबर होये- सो इन्सान पटक सर रोये
मंगल भवन अमंगल हारी- भैंस का गोबर अकल पे भारी
भैंस मरे तो बनते जूते- अकल मरे तो पङते जूते
अकल को कोई देख ना पावे- भैंस दरस साक्षात दिखाव

Friday, May 22, 2009

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

second opinion

The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Gods balance

The Earth in balance.

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, “Where have you been?”
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
“Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it.. I’m going to call
it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “There’s another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”