Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A Dog's tale

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”


The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

Thursday, September 30, 2010

chicken got busted

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off.
When the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed,
"Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !".

Sunday, September 12, 2010

wedding

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer

Saturday, May 29, 2010

A man on a beach

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Speeding ticket

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Um, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Pope caught speeding...

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job!
What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning..

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph..

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘ A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope

Monday, April 5, 2010

Men vs Women

Shall we go for a party?????????




Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ppl saying behind ur back

I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.…

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Nice Ass!!! ;)

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Fishermans secret

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.

Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Driving Arena

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Friday, March 19, 2010

Blonde.....

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... .. ..




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A real bad PJ

A conductor at an orchestra begins embezzling money from the admission price of the tickets because his orchestra isn't doing well financially. After quite a bit of time, he is caught, he pleads guilty to being a bad conductor, and the judge sentences him to death. When he's in the electric chair, they send 100,000 volts through him, and he just sits there, smiling. The operators ask him why the 100,000 volts isn't killing him, like it does everyone else. He says, "I already told you - I'm a bad conductor."

Friday, March 5, 2010

Teacher/student joke

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam."Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"A smart-arsed guy at the back of the raised his hand and asked,"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years hey had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, Loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she Had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the Therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, Embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week….Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied; “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010