A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam."Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"A smart-arsed guy at the back of the raised his hand and asked,"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Counselling
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years hey had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, Loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she Had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the Therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, Embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week….Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied; “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years hey had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, Loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she Had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the Therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, Embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week….Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied; “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Sunday, October 11, 2009
snoring
The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Fred, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Fred and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Fred snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, ‘Man, that Fred shakes the roof with his snoring. I couldn’t sleep. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Jim’s turn. Jim was a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Fred into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Fred sat up and watched me all night.”
No one wanted to room with Fred, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Fred and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Fred snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, ‘Man, that Fred shakes the roof with his snoring. I couldn’t sleep. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Jim’s turn. Jim was a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Fred into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Fred sat up and watched me all night.”
Monday, July 27, 2009
abortion in ears
Reallyyyyyyyyyyyyy hillarious…. Too good…and just don’t miss a single
sentence…..
This is a short story written by Dr Kishore Shah....he is a
gynaecologist in Pune
and a very gifted writer....enjoy this extremely funny story.
My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist. This can lead
to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.
A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a
patient of hers for an abortion.
Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal
of the wax to my wife.
I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she
was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our
hospital,
it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from
her ear,landed up with me.
This is the conversation that I had with the patient.
"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a big
smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble
smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."
"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"
"Not at all."
The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried
removing it at home, but failed.
I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious
complications.
"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."
I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"
She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with
his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."
"Oh my God!" "Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."
My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without
uttering a word.
"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"
I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much.
I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this
happening. Or you could use protection at night."
Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it
happens only at night?"
I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are
in the mood, you should use protection."
She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"
Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of
mood. It just happens."
"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."
"You mean that pin man?"
"Yeah!"
This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides
using pins, he was sending her to such quacks.
The only safety he knew was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed
his advice."
"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait.
However, that also did not work."
This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be
locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one..
"But have you taken your husband's permission?
Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's permission?
Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not
able to meet for the last one year."
It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those'cases.
The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. Ireassured
her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."
"However, I did inform him on phone."
Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know
whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her.
So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."
"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."
"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this
removal, it would have started moving.
Then it would have developed aheartbeat."
The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.
Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the
grotesque details.
I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but
only for a few days."
By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"
"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will
continue only for a week or so."
By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me
wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on the
examination table? Remove your clothes and relax."
his was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just a
blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.
sentence…..
This is a short story written by Dr Kishore Shah....he is a
gynaecologist in Pune
and a very gifted writer....enjoy this extremely funny story.
My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist. This can lead
to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.
A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a
patient of hers for an abortion.
Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal
of the wax to my wife.
I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she
was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our
hospital,
it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from
her ear,landed up with me.
This is the conversation that I had with the patient.
"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a big
smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble
smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."
"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"
"Not at all."
The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried
removing it at home, but failed.
I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious
complications.
"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."
I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"
She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with
his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."
"Oh my God!" "Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."
My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without
uttering a word.
"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"
I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much.
I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this
happening. Or you could use protection at night."
Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it
happens only at night?"
I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are
in the mood, you should use protection."
She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"
Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of
mood. It just happens."
"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."
"You mean that pin man?"
"Yeah!"
This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides
using pins, he was sending her to such quacks.
The only safety he knew was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed
his advice."
"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait.
However, that also did not work."
This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be
locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one..
"But have you taken your husband's permission?
Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's permission?
Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not
able to meet for the last one year."
It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those'cases.
The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. Ireassured
her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."
"However, I did inform him on phone."
Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know
whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her.
So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."
"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."
"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this
removal, it would have started moving.
Then it would have developed aheartbeat."
The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.
Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the
grotesque details.
I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but
only for a few days."
By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"
"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will
continue only for a week or so."
By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me
wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on the
examination table? Remove your clothes and relax."
his was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just a
blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.
Friday, June 26, 2009
KAvi....ki ,,kavita
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, (my love)
tum MA 1st division ho, main hua matric phel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, (union)
tum fauji afsar ki beti, main to kisaan ka beta hoon,
tum rabadi kheer malai ho, main to sattu sapreta hoon,
tum AC ghar mein rahti ho, main ped ke neeche leta hoon,
tum nai maruti lagti ho, main scooter lambreta hoon,
is kadar agar hum chup-chup kar aapas me prem badhayenge,
to ek roz tere daddy Amrish Puri ban jaaenge, (alas he is no more!)
sab haddi pasli tod mujhe bhijwaa denge vo jail priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
tum arab desh kee ghodi ho, main hoon gadahe ki naal priye,
tum deewali ka bonus ho, main bhookho ki hadtaal priye,(strike)
tum heere jadi tashtari ho, main almunium ka thaal priye,
tum chicken-soop biryani ho, main kankad waali daal priye,
tum hiran-chaokadi bharti ho, main hoon kachue ki chaal priye, (flight of dear)
tum chandan-wan ki lakdi ho, main hoon babool ki chaal priye,
main pake aam sa latka hoon, mat maaro mujhe gulel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
main shani-dev jaisa kuroop, tum komal kanchan kaya ho, (ugly)
main tan-se man-se Kanshi Ram, tum maha chanchala maya ho, (naughty)
tum nirmal paawan ganga ho, main jalta hua patanga hoon,(pure)
tum raaj ghaat ka shanti march, main hindu-muslim danga hoon,
tum ho poonam ka taajmahal, main kaali gufa ajanta ki,
tum ho vardaan vidhata ka, main galti hoon bhagvanta ki,(wish of god)
tum jet vimaan ki shobha ho, main bus ki thelam-thel priye, (aeroplane)
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
tum nai videshi mixi ho, main patthar ka silbatta hoon,
tum AK-saintalis jaisi, main to ik desi katta hoon,
tum chatur Rabadi Devi si, main bhola-bhala Lalu hoon,
tum mukt sherni jangal ki, main chidiyaghar ka bhaalu hoon, (free)
tum vyast Sonia Gandhi si, main V.P.Singh sa khali hoon, (busy)
tum hansi Madhuri Dixit ki, main policeman ki gaali hoon,
kal jel agar ho jaaye to dilwa dena tum bail priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
main dhabe ke dhaanche jaisa, tum paanch sitara hotel ho, (structure)
main mahue ka desi tharra, tum red-label ki botal ho,
tum chitra-haar ka madhur geet, main krishi-darshan ki jhaadi hoon, (sweet)
tum vishva-sundari si kamaal, main teliya chaap kabadi hoon,
tum sony ka mobile ho, main telephone waala hoon chonga,
tum machli maansarovar ki, main saagar tat ka hoon ghongha, (shore)
dus manzil se gir jaaooga, mat aage mujhe dhakel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
tum satta ki maharani ho, main vipaksha ki lachari hoon, (in power/opposition)
tum ho mamta-Jailalita si, main kwara Atal-Bihari hoon,
tum Tendulkar ka shatak priye, main follow on ki paari hoon, (century)
tum getz, matiz, corolla ho main Leyland ki lorry hoon,
mujhko refree hi rehne do, mat khelo mujhse khel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
main soch raha ki rahe hain kabse, shrota mujhko jhel priye, (listeners)
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye
tum MA 1st division ho, main hua matric phel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, (union)
tum fauji afsar ki beti, main to kisaan ka beta hoon,
tum rabadi kheer malai ho, main to sattu sapreta hoon,
tum AC ghar mein rahti ho, main ped ke neeche leta hoon,
tum nai maruti lagti ho, main scooter lambreta hoon,
is kadar agar hum chup-chup kar aapas me prem badhayenge,
to ek roz tere daddy Amrish Puri ban jaaenge, (alas he is no more!)
sab haddi pasli tod mujhe bhijwaa denge vo jail priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
tum arab desh kee ghodi ho, main hoon gadahe ki naal priye,
tum deewali ka bonus ho, main bhookho ki hadtaal priye,(strike)
tum heere jadi tashtari ho, main almunium ka thaal priye,
tum chicken-soop biryani ho, main kankad waali daal priye,
tum hiran-chaokadi bharti ho, main hoon kachue ki chaal priye, (flight of dear)
tum chandan-wan ki lakdi ho, main hoon babool ki chaal priye,
main pake aam sa latka hoon, mat maaro mujhe gulel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
main shani-dev jaisa kuroop, tum komal kanchan kaya ho, (ugly)
main tan-se man-se Kanshi Ram, tum maha chanchala maya ho, (naughty)
tum nirmal paawan ganga ho, main jalta hua patanga hoon,(pure)
tum raaj ghaat ka shanti march, main hindu-muslim danga hoon,
tum ho poonam ka taajmahal, main kaali gufa ajanta ki,
tum ho vardaan vidhata ka, main galti hoon bhagvanta ki,(wish of god)
tum jet vimaan ki shobha ho, main bus ki thelam-thel priye, (aeroplane)
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
tum nai videshi mixi ho, main patthar ka silbatta hoon,
tum AK-saintalis jaisi, main to ik desi katta hoon,
tum chatur Rabadi Devi si, main bhola-bhala Lalu hoon,
tum mukt sherni jangal ki, main chidiyaghar ka bhaalu hoon, (free)
tum vyast Sonia Gandhi si, main V.P.Singh sa khali hoon, (busy)
tum hansi Madhuri Dixit ki, main policeman ki gaali hoon,
kal jel agar ho jaaye to dilwa dena tum bail priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
main dhabe ke dhaanche jaisa, tum paanch sitara hotel ho, (structure)
main mahue ka desi tharra, tum red-label ki botal ho,
tum chitra-haar ka madhur geet, main krishi-darshan ki jhaadi hoon, (sweet)
tum vishva-sundari si kamaal, main teliya chaap kabadi hoon,
tum sony ka mobile ho, main telephone waala hoon chonga,
tum machli maansarovar ki, main saagar tat ka hoon ghongha, (shore)
dus manzil se gir jaaooga, mat aage mujhe dhakel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
tum satta ki maharani ho, main vipaksha ki lachari hoon, (in power/opposition)
tum ho mamta-Jailalita si, main kwara Atal-Bihari hoon,
tum Tendulkar ka shatak priye, main follow on ki paari hoon, (century)
tum getz, matiz, corolla ho main Leyland ki lorry hoon,
mujhko refree hi rehne do, mat khelo mujhse khel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
main soch raha ki rahe hain kabse, shrota mujhko jhel priye, (listeners)
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye
Derogatory innocence
A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,
‘How did I get here?’
Her mother told her, ‘God sent you.’
‘Did God send you, too?’ asked the child
‘Yes, Dear,’ the mother replied.
‘What about Grandma and Grandpa?’ the child persisted.
‘He sent them also,’ the mother said.
‘Did he send their parents, too?’ asked the child.
‘Yes, Dear, He did,’ said the mother patiently.
‘So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this
Family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone’s so damn grouchy around here.’
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